Death and Metaxas
For about a year, I worked at a used bookstore here in Orlando. One day as I was sorting books, I saw a children’s book version of the VeggieTales movie “Jonah.” The book was titled “Even Fish Slappers Need a Second Chance.” I was surprised to find that the book was written by everyone’s favorite pair of smart-glasses, Eric Metaxas. Here’s a bit of text from the book:
A long time ago…in a far away land,
was a city that had gotten way out of hand.
The people who lived there had no shame,
and NINEVEH was that poor city’s name.
Why, they’d slap each other with big smelly fishes!
They’d roll in piles of dirty old dishes!
They’d squirt the insides out of knishes!
AND DID I MENTION THE SLAPPING WITH THE FISHES?
They’d tickle each other with slippery eels.
They’d throw around banana peels.
They’d tangle up their fishing reels[.]
They’d eat huge snacks and skip their meals!
They’d spill red sauce on Dad’s blue chair!
And run around in their underwear!
They didn’t play nice.
They wouldn’t share.
They’d lose their temper.
They wouldn’t play fair.
They even made some terrible wishes!
AND DID I MENTION THE SLAPPING WITH FISHES?
So God sent Jonah, a prophet of old.
With a message from him that was clear and bold.
“STOP!” Jonah said “being mean and vicious!
And especially stop the slapping with fishes!
“Stop your grumbling! And clean your dishes.
This is what the Lord God wishes.
“Perhaps he’s right!” they came to think.
“Perhaps, like fish, we kind of…STINK!”
“Is it too late to start anew?
At this late date, what can we do?”
But Jonah rose and spoke to them,
“It’s not too late to start again!”
“You can do it! Yes, you can!
God’s got a starting-over plan!
A second chance is what you need!
Then you can start again, indeed!”
Now aside from the cumbersome poetry, awkward punctuation, and Python plagiarism, there are several glaring errors here.
For now, I’ll just mention one. In order to tone down the story for children, Metaxas cut out that God was planning on destroying the whole city.
Here’s a little excerpt from Nahum 3.
The horseman lifteth up both the bright sword and the glittering spear:
and there is a multitude of slain, and a great number of carcasses;
and there is none end of their corpses;
they stumble upon their corpses.
So this is what God was planning on doing to the Ninevites. And if we go along with Metaxas’s description of the city, who does this make out God to be? In short, God is the great cosmic over-reactor. A few poor saps in Nineveh leave out some dirty dishes and God wipes out their whole race. “Share your truck, son. Otherwise, God might destroy you and everyone you’ve ever known.” And there is none end of their corpses.
Have you ever wondered why atheists are shocked at the violence in the Old Testament? This is why. We’ve cut out all of the sin and, in the process, gutted the story. We’ve painted God as an irrational hothead and now we’re paying the price.
Metaxas is essentially a reification of modern evangelicalism. Behind all the intellectual posturing, Gladwellian chin-stroking, and more pretension than you can fit in an NPR tote bag, is a silly religion unfit for children.